Course Catalog
A rigorous study of minimalism. Bring your own crayon (singular). Warning: Eating art supplies results in immediate failure and a meeting with the nurse.
Who needs dancing when you can transform Subway's dumpster scraps into art? In this course, students will learn to create interpretive sculptures using discarded bread products. Through hands-on experimentation and creative expression, students will explore the artistic potential of stale baguettes, moldy croissants, and day-old bagels. By the end of the course, students will have developed their own unique style of bread sculpture and will have a portfolio of their work to showcase. No prior art experience is necessary, just a willingness to get a little messy and think outside the loaf!
The pre-requisite to Xander Hawthorne's Advanced Hat Theory. Students will explore best angles for UV protection, brim width, and the art of looking breezy on purpose. Straw used in this course must be re-purposed for the Haunted Houses come Fall.
Half engineering. Half war crimes. Students design towers, moats, and load-bearing decorative crenellations before stress-testing their work against tides, toddlers, and rival fortifications. Final critiques may involve trebuchets if Moira finds where Facilities hid them.
Draw little guys in your notebook margins! Give them hats! Give them swords! Give them traumatic backstories where they have to avenge their fallen stick families! Final project: a graphic novel detailing a cow going on the Hero's Journey.
A literary analysis of contracts, waivers, and Terms of Service as narrative texts. Discover the poetry in legal disclaimers and the tragedy hidden in arbitration clauses.
Compare pre-Hawthorne Wonderland literature (chaotic, nonsensical, unmonetized) with modern approved works (structured, branded, profitable). Guest reading from the Hawthorne Family Memoir.
A mandatory cultural requirement. Topics include why everyone suddenly has summer outfits and how dramatic confessions become 300% more likely near water.
Every student must create a terrifying story to tell around a campfire. Covers flashlight-under-chin technique, ominous pauses, suspicious twig snaps, and why splitting up is always a bad idea. Extra credit for bringing s'mores.
Find the verse in value propositions. Students will compose odes to quarterly earnings, elegies for discontinued products, and haikus about synergy. Rhyming with "stakeholder" earns extra credit.